(theme music playing)
(cheers and applause)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
Thank you so much for joining us. I'm John Oliver.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin with Justin Bieber's penis.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I would never do that to you.
We begin with Syria. Much better.
Last week, we talked about Russia's decision to get involved in Syria
and the potential mess that would follow.
Well, this week, it nearly got a lot messier.
Woman: Russian warships firing cruise missiles
at what it says are ISIS targets in Syria.
CNN has learned at least four of the more than two dozen Russian cruise missiles
launched from ships in the Caspian Sea crashed in Iran.
Holy shit!
It seems Russia might have accidentally bombed Iran.
And there is simply no edible arrangement big enough
to smooth that international incident over.
It can't be done. (laughter, applause)
Now Russia... Russia denies this story,
but whether it's true or not, they're, frankly, not the only ones
whose Syrian strategy is not working out as planned,
because America had an embarrassing revelation of its own this week.
The US is making a stunning change
to one of its central efforts to stop ISIS in Syria.
It's suspending its half-billion dollar program
to train up to 5,000 rebel fighters each year.
The program fell far short of its goals.
Wait. "Short of its goals."
That is an understatement on par with "Tim Burton likes Johnny Depp."
(laughter) Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he likes him. He likes him just fine.
The Pentagon's plan had been to eventually train more than 15,000 fighters,
but as of this July, it had only trained and deployed 54 recruits,
many of whom have since been captured or abandoned the fight.
And last month, we learned how many are actually left.
Can you tell us what the total number of trained fighters remains?
It's a small number, and, uh, uh, the ones that are in the fight, is, uh...
is... is... we're talking four-- four or five.
(laughter)
Four or five? That's not good.
That is not only not enough guys to destroy ISIS,
that's probably not enough to destroy a six-foot party sub.
And it is, generally, not a great sign for your rebel forces
if they can all go out to dinner
and the restaurant won't automatically add gratuity.
That's a pretty good rule.
So, let's move on now to FIFA,
the reason that my mouth still tastes like a lime crawled in there and shat itself.
FIFA's leader, Sepp Blatter, has been under pressure for months now.
First the US indicted many of FIFA's top officials,
then the Swiss opened a criminal investigation against Blatter personally,
and this week, FIFA's ethics committee finally stepped in.
FIFA president Sepp Blatter has been suspended for 90 days
as part of an ongoing corruption investigation of football's governing body.
Wait, I'm sorry. You only suspended him 90 days?
That is ludicrously short.
If he put a Greek yogurt in the break room fridge the day he was suspended,
it could conceivably still be edible when he gets back.
Although, to be fair, it will probably be gone, and I'll tell you why.
Janice in accounting don't give a fuck!
(laughter)
Unn!
But even this minor suspension was too much for Sepp Blatter,
who was actually called for an investigation
into the FIFA ethics committee investigation.
Which is basically standing up in the middle of an intervention and going,
"You know what? Fuck all of you! You've got a drinking problem!
You've got drinking problems! I'm fine! How do you like them apples?"
The problem is, Blatter's suspension leaves a vacuum at the top of FIFA.
And normally you'd expect someone like Secretary General Jerome Valcke
or Vice President Michel Platini to help keep things steady while he's gone.
However, there is a bit of a problem with that.
Woman: Also suspended from all football activity are
Secretary General Jerome Valcke and Vice President Michel Platini
who faces questions over a two-million-dollar payment from Blatter.
Yes. It turns out they were both also suspended because of course they were!
They worked under Sepp Blatter,
and he is the Pepé Le Pew of soccer.
Boundaryless, aggressively European,
and if you're anywhere near him, his stink will get all over you.
Incidentally, FIFA also cannot turn to former vice presidents Chung Mong-joon
or Jack Warner because they've been barred for six years and life, respectively.
So the current acting president of FIFA is Isa Hayatou,
head of the African FIFA Confederation.
And if you're thinking, "Good. This is the guy to clean up FIFA once and for all,"
there's just one extra thing you should probably know.
Man: Senior Vice President Isa Hayatou now fills in for Blatter,
although he's previously faced allegations of taking a bribe from the Qatar World Cup bid.
Of course he's fought allegations of his own! Of course he did.
And at this point, I think it's becoming clear,
if FIFA wants to find Blatter's successor within its own ranks,
it'll be like finding a Porta-Potty at a music festival:
None of them are likely to be clean,
so the best you're hoping for is to find the one that's the least covered in shit.
And finally tonight-- finally tonight, we move on--
(cheers, applause) We move on to Toyota,
makers of the '92 Camry where you got your first backseat hand job.
Toyota is famous for making dependable vehicles,
but this week, we learned something surprising
about who exactly has been depending on them.
Man: The United States wants Toyota to explain
how ISIS is getting their hands on so many Toyota trucks and SUVs.
Man 2: Their propaganda videos show convoys made up
mostly of Toyota HiLux pickups and Land Cruisers.
And now ABC News has learned that a US Treasury counter-terrorism unit
is asking Toyota to help them determine how so many of its trucks,
both newer and older models, have ended up in the hands of ISIS.
Yes, it seems that Toyotas are being used as instruments of death,
which is-- it's a bold move, because, traditionally, "death on wheels"
has very much been GM's brand.
Now-- That's kind of their area.
Now, as you would expect,
Toyota is claiming to be baffled as to how this has occurred.
Toyota says it doesn't know
how ISIS is getting its hands on these trucks. That's right, David.
In a statement to ABC News, Toyota says it is not aware
of any of its dealerships violating the company policy
not to sell to terrorist groups.
Hold... Hold on, hold on.
You actually felt the need to make
not selling to terrorists official company policy?
Is that in the handbook under "Things that should go without saying"?
So, don't sell to terrorists,
don't accept magic beans as payment,
and don't sell to a cat who walks in with a ruby in its mouth.
Br-- Brian?
Brian, what are you trying to do,
selling a Yaris to that cat with a ruby in its mouth?
You can't do that, Brian.
I don't care if it's a cash offer.
The amazing thing is this is not a new story.
Terrorist groups love Toyota vehicles.
Back in 2001, "The New York Times" reported
that Osama bin Laden likes Toyota Land Cruisers,
and "Newsweek" once ran a story called
"Why Rebel Groups Love the Toyota HiLux."
And in the light of this news this week,
you would think Toyota would at least
change the name of one of their cars.
Woman: Incidentally, Toyota does sell
a make of car called the Isis.
Oh, come on, Toyota!
You're giving ISIS built-in vanity plates!
It seems Toyota might have a genuine problem here,
because by the looks of it, ISIS seems to really like their cars.
Woman: Other brands like Mitsubishi, Hyundai, and Isuzu
have also been spotted in these ISIS videos,
but nothing even remotely close
to the amount of Toyota vehicles.
In fact, a former US ambassador to the UN
told ABC News that regrettably,
Toyota has almost become part of the ISIS brand.
Wow.
At this rate, we are just a few months away
from ISIS-owned Toyota dealerships,
complete with fully armed wind sock guy.
Come on down to ISIS Toyota!
Our salesmen are terrorists you can negotiate with.
And now, this.
(announcer speaking)
It's been a week since the election.
How ya doin'?
Well, I've been sleeping like a baby.
Yeah, yeah. Um...
Sleep two hours, wake up and cry.
I slept like a baby.
Sleep two hours, wake up and cry.
Sleep two hours, wake up and cry...
After I-- we lost the election,
I slept like a baby.
Sleep two hours, wake up and cry.
After I lost, I slept like a baby.
Yeah? Sleep two hours, wake up and cry.
Slept like a baby.
Sleep two hours, wake up and cry.
Moving on.
Our main story tonight is about North Dakota,
or as you may know it, South Dacanada.
You-- you probably don't think about North--
North Dakota very much, and believe me,
they know that.
In fact, one of their visitor centers
even assumes that they are going to be
the last state you'll visit.
Man: North Dakota is probably
best known for the 1996 Coen brothers' movie, "Fargo,"
and the visitors center can tell you all about it,
with pictures and the film's famous wood chipper on display.
Visitors who save the state for their 50th
get a "Best for Last" T-shirt and a certificate.
Okay, okay.
Just a couple of things there.
First, you do know what that wood chipper was used for, right?
That was used to grind up Steve Buscemi.
And secondly, "Best for Last" is a heartbreaking slogan.
You're just one step away from having it be
"North Dakota. Look: We know."
But the fact North Dakota is so upbeat
about it's own lack of popularity is quintessentially Midwestern.
People from North Dakota are so kind and so wholesome,
a few years back, they actually had billboards
by the roadsides reading "Be kind" and "Be Polite,"
and that says something wonderful about them,
just as it says something awful about me
as a citizen of New York City
that my first reaction to seeing a billboard
reading "Be Polite" is fuck you!
Don't tell me what to do!
Go fuck yourself!
Be polite. Be polite.
Fuck you!
Be polite.
(cheers, applause)
The point is, North Dakota had gotten used to being ignored,
but a few years ago, this happened.
Man: North Dakota with the big shale oil boom...
Woman: North Dakota's oil production climbed to 810,000 barrels a day.
This is the California Gold Rush,
but in North Dakota, in the 21st century.
Yes. Like Channing Tatum, North Dakota suddenly
turned out to be a lot more interesting
once it was covered in oil.
So over the last decade, the state's Bakken Shale formation
has produced an oil boom so large,
it has helped cut the amount of oil we import in half.
Now, think about that. North Dakota has done
almost as much to reduce our dependence on foreign oil
as you did when you biked to work that one time.
And at its peak, this oil boom produced
thousands of jobs and millions of dollars in wealth.
It was such a dramatic shift, ABC has a new drama
set in the Bakken.
Narrator: In the world of oil,
one name reigns supreme.
Here, you're either with Briggs or you're out.
You think I'm just gonna toss you the keys to the kingdom
and watch you drive it over the cliffs?
Sometimes you have to play dirty
to get filthy rich.
(imitating narrator's deep voice): Yes.
On Sunday.
(in normal voice): In the ultimate miracle,
the oil boom brought Don Johnson back.
And a Don Johnson television show
is as rare as a solar eclipse.
And like a solar eclipse, you really shouldn't look directly at it.
But-- but Don Johnson is not the only reason
that this show is a little outdated.
The price of oil has dropped in the last year,
and companies have slowed down expansion of new wells.
But when the price rises again,
the boom is expected to return.
So, maybe let's use this pause to take stock of what the hell
just happened to North Dakota, because for all the good
the oil industry has done for the state,
it has not been without cost.
For a start, it's taken a massive toll on their environment.
Last, year, "The New York Times" found that since 2006,
18 million gallons of oils and chemicals
had spilled, leaked, or misted into the air.
That is a quantity of lubricants and toxins
seldom found outside of a John Mayer pool party,
and equally difficult to clean.
And that's-- that's saying something.
And spills of oil in saltwater can have disastrous consequences.
Just listen to a couple of farmers
who have had their land impacted by this.
When things go bad and when saltwater happens,
you can't see it initially.
So, years down the road,
it shows up and it's devastating.
Something should have been a lot--
done a lot quicker.
Man: Darwin Peterson farms the land around here
and says this land now is out of production
as long as he can foresee.
It-- it's pretty well, you know, just annihilated.
Look, there are times when it's acceptable to destroy farmland,
like when you're a child from Krypton looking for a place to crashland,
or you're a bunch of racist baseball ghosts looking for a place to play.
But this is not one of those times.
But the danger to land is only just the beginning,
as a reporter for "Reveal" found when she investigated
worker deaths in the entire Bakken region.
Since 2006, at least 74 workers
have died in the Bakken oil fields.
That means that on average, someone dies every six weeks
in the Bakken oil fields.
A death every six weeks is what you do
to keep your soap opera on the air.
In real life, that is fucking horrifying.
Now, you might hope employers would do everything
in their power to minimize those risks,
but that does not always seem to be the case.
Just listen to this one worker whose job involves lowering
explosives into the earth and detonating them
describe his schedule.
Man: I work a 20 and ten.
20 days on, 10 days off.
The longest I've ever been out on a job site
is 69 hours straight.
69 hours straight. (laughs)
Yup. So that sounds like it could be dangerous.
Yeah, definitely.
It's a ticking time bomb, really.
He worked 69 hours straight handling explosives.
You shouldn't be allowed to work that long handling frozen yogurt.
That is not what I ordered, Ricky!
That's a handful of sprinkles with your watch in it!
Go home and rest!
I want to speak to a manager!
But the problem is there are few incentives
for companies to actively care about this.
We do have federal regulators like OSHA,
but unfortunately, not only have they themselves conceded
that their general regulations used for oil and gas are inadequate,
but the odds of them ever turning up
to inspect a work site in North Dakota are pretty slim.
Man: OSHA only has nine
full-time compliance officers for North Dakota,
and according to some estimates,
it would take decades for OSHA to inspect
every workplace in the state.
Only nine compliance officers. That is terrible.
And it's actually even worse
because that clip is out of date
and they currently only have eight.
And-- and incidentally, those eight have to cover
both North and South Dakota.
And look, there are plenty of things
that having eight of would be fine in the Dakotas.
Water parks? Sure, eight is plenty.
Restaurants that serve lutefisk?
Eight is seven more than enough.
But when you're talking about safety inspectors for oil wells,
you're gonna at least want to be in double digits.
And given all of this, perhaps it shouldn't be
surprising when tragedy strikes,
as it did four years ago at a well owned by a company
called Oasis Petroleum.
Some tragic news from Western North Dakota.
One man is killed and three are injured
in an oil well explosion.
A Wisconsin man died at the scene.
Three other men were transported to the Williston Hospital
to be treated for severe burns.
Now, that is the sort of local news story
that you watch, feel briefly sad about,
and then forget as soon as they get to their final story
about a squirrel who can play ping-pong.
But-- but remember, that was a fatal accident,
and one of the workers who died was a 21-year-old named Brendan Wegner.
And for those who worked alongside him,
their lives were never the same.
Woman: Jebadiah Stanfill was working
on a nearby rig and rushed over.
And I go out there and...
ask him where everybody's at and how many are there and...
he just says, "Derrick man's dead. The derrick man's dead."
That's when I looked up and... (sniffles)
I saw what I would later find out is
Brendan burning in the derrick.
Woman: One other worker died,
another lost his legs and later committed suicide.
It was the deadliest accident in the Bakken in the last decade.
Now, I know you're sad at this point,
but brace yourselves because you are about to get angry.
Because after the accident, OSHA visited the work site
and found that it was missing several important safety features,
including flame-retardant clothing and a safety slide.
Now, you might think as owners of that well,
Oasis would come under a lot of scrutiny from OSHA,
but you would be wrong about that.
How come Oasis wasn't held accountable
for this accident?
Oasis doesn't have exposed employees on the jobsite.
Rather, they hired a subcontractor.
Now it might sound like a bunch of legalese,
but it's very important.
Oh, it doesn't sound like a bunch of legalese.
It sounds like a bunch of complete bullshit.
But it's actually true.
Oasis technically had no employees there that day,
and let me explain how that happened.
Rather than hiring employees,
companies like Oasis hire subcontractors.
In this case, a company called Carlson Well Service,
who employ the workers instead.
And if you're thinking, "Well, surely Oasis must have had
someone there to supervise the work site,"
yes, they did, but he wasn't an Oasis employee either.
He was an independent contractor,
a so-called "company man" working for another firm,
hired by Oasis called Mitchell's Oil Field Service.
So because Oasis had their "company man"
who didn't work for the company
overseeing the work site, and their subcontractor
overseeing its own workers, that meant that technically,
no one working on Oasis's well
worked for Oasis that day,
and that is a magic trick so shitty,
it's amazing Criss Angel didn't come out and shout,
"Mindfreak!" at the end of it.
Mindfreak!
I've gotcha, everyone!
I mind-fracked ya!
(laughter)
And to be clear, Oasis was not found
at fault for this accident.
How could they be?
In their deal with Carlson, they made sure to say that
Carlson had the authority to control and direct
the performance and safety of the work and then--
and this is true-- wrote "Company is interested only in the results obtained."
And look, bad things tend to happen
when you're interested only in the results obtained.
That is a policy that leads to a woman trying
to lose 15 pounds for her wedding day saying,
"Fuck it! The juice cleanse isn't working!
"Get me some heroin!
"I'm fitting in that Vera Wang!
I don't care anymore!"
Now, I should point out, Oasis wanted us to say
they did absolutely nothing wrong,
and also that they have added new safety measures
since the accident, essentially saying
their system was always fine, and that's why they have now completely fixed it.
And, look, subcontracting and workplace accidents
are not unique to North Dakota.
What is unique to North Dakota
is the level of regulatory friendliness to oil companies,
something that their immensely charismatic governor
likes to describe like this.
We have created a friendly business climate in North Dakota,
where taxes and insurance rates are low.
The regulatory environment is very reasonable.
North Dakotans are friendly toward business
and will work hard to help their employers be successful.
He's making North Dakota sound like a magical, pro-business utopia,
like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory,
which, come to think of it, had about the same
safety record as North Dakota's oil fields.
Now... now, we'll think back.
It was about the same body count.
And-- and he is not kidding.
The thing is, the governor is not kidding
about the friendly business climate,
because Governor Dalrymple himself heads up
the three-person industrial commission
that oversees the majority of spills.
And to give you a sense of the type of oversight
they provide, last year, "The New York Times" found
that one of the biggest oil producers in the area,
Continental Resources, which had spilled
1.6 million gallons since 2006,
had been fined only $222,000,
which would be bad enough if those fines had not
then been reduced down to just $20,000 because--
and this is amazing--
the commission typically settles for about ten percent
of the assessed penalties.
Oil companies in North Dakota pay for their mistakes
the same way that four-year-olds pay for their toys--
very rarely, and when they do,
it's mostly just a symbolic gesture.
Just-- just give the man the dollar, Jason.
Give him the dollar.
I know it really costs $10.
I just want him to feel like he's doing something.
Now, another member of that commission,
Lynn Helms, claims this system actually works well
due to the conditions that they attach.
They agree to cut a check for that amount, unappealable,
if a repeat violation occurs during that one-to-five-year time period.
It's like probation, and it really changes behavior.
Helms says looking back on five years of data,
no companies have had a repeat violation.
Really?
No companies have had a repeat violation?
That is one hell of a claim.
Let's take a look at that, shall we?
Because their deals typically stipulate that the company must have
"no same or substantially similar violations within a year."
So, let's look at Petro-Hunt.
The got a 90% discount on a $25,000 fine last year
after an incident in which they spilled
over 3,000 gallons of oil.
And yet, five months later, which-- and this is true--
is less than a year, this happened.
Man: The state health department has responded to an oil spill
near the town of Keene in McKenzie County.
Petro-Hunt says about 600 barrels
of oil leaked from a well
and it was not contained on site.
600 barrels of oil.
That is over 25,000 gallons.
How is that not substantially similar?
It's basically the exact same thing, only worse.
It's the "Hangover II" of oil spills!
It's wrong!
And-- and North Dakota's "friendly regulations"
even extend to campaign finance.
The oil industry is actually the top political contributor
in the state, which isn't that surprising.
What is surprising is that, as one state legislator
pointed out, in North Dakota,
you don't even have to spend campaign funds
on your campaigns.
When I first ran, visiting with candidates,
I always asked, "If you had any money left
in the campaign account at the end of the campaign, what do you do with it?"
One of the most fascinating answers I received was,
"Well, you put it in your checking account. It's yours.
That's income."
Now, I know... I know his flannel bow tie is extremely distracting,
but what he's saying is horrifying.
In North Dakota, you could theoretically find yourself saying,
"Well, I gave my state rep money for TV ads and yard signs,
"but instead, he blew it all on a full-length mink coat
and the glasses Buddy Holly was wearing when he died."
That's not what it was for.
You look good, but it's not what it was for.
But you do look good.
And I am not saying legislators in North Dakota do that,
but that's a system you might want
a state ethics commission to look into,
except for the fact that-- and this really should not surprise you by now--
North Dakota does not have an ethics commission,
which is pretty much guaranteeing that FIFA just found the location
for its new international headquarters.
They're-- they're coming, North Dakota!
They're coming!
And finally, North Dakota also allows
the oil industry to use something called
indemnification to avoid civil liability.
And to show you how that works,
let's go back to Oasis Petroleum
and that deadly explosion we mentioned earlier.
As you know, Oasis didn't have to pay any fine for that accident.
However, they did wind up agreeing
to pay Brendan Wegner's family an undisclosed settlement.
Except not entirely, because they also had
an indemnification clause in their contract with Carlson
stating that in cases like the accident
that killed Brendan, Carlson would
hold Oasis harmless against all claims
without limit and without regard
to the cause or the negligence
or fault of any party.
So theoretically, even if Oasis were negligent,
and found completely at fault, Carlson's insurance company
could find itself paying a chunk of Oasis's settlement,
which in this case, it did.
And sure, technically the family gets paid
either way, but who pays matters.
Payments are deterrents, and think of it like this.
If every time you parked in front of a fire hydrant,
someone else got a ticket, you'd probably be a lot
less inclined to drive around the block looking
for open parking spaces.
And I understand that North Dakota wants
to be business friendly and that plenty of businesses
use indemnification clauses, but the danger involved
in the oil industry makes it a little different,
which is why some of the states ban or limit
indemnification clauses in the oil industry.
Even Texas limits them.
Texas!
And Texas is so loosely regulated,
their speed limit is "let 'er rip,"
and their age of consent is just a drawing of a wink.
Listen, listen. Please li--
North Dakota, please listen.
I-- I get it.
You're friendly, and that's fantastic.
You had billboards saying "Be Polite"
and that's wonderful, but this has gone too far.
Oil companies need to be held accountable when bad things happen.
A fine is no good if it's a drop in the bucket,
especially because knowing these companies now,
they'll probably miss that bucket
and then somehow find a way to make
someone else pay to clean up the fucking mess.
So please, I would like to suggest to you a new approach.
Narrator: Hey, North Dakota,
we know you're a friendly place,
full of nice people doing nice things.
You like to shake hands,
smile, and for some reason,
build a giant turtle out of wheel rims by the highway.
That's a fucking awesome turtle, North Dakota!
Nice job!
But lately, we've become concerned
that oil companies have been taking advantage of you.
And sure, they brought lots of jobs and money
to your state, and that's nice,
but jobs and money shouldn't come at the expense
of your land or your life.
Right now in some ways, you're less regulated than Texas!
Fucking Texas!
You're less regulated than whatever this is!
(cheering)
So listen, just for once,
it might be time to stop being polite...
(buzzer) ...and start getting mad.
(metal music playing)
Even madder, North Dakota.
No! Much madder than that!
(hisses) Holy shit!
Not you, possum. (squeals)
But the rest of you...
Yes, that's better! Get pissed!
Remember, people are dying and land is getting ruined,
so come on, North Dakota!
Let the ferocious animals lurking beneath
your frozen exteriors out... (screaming)
...for once in your goddamn lives!
Do it!
And we're asking you in the most North Dakotan way we know how--
with an actual billboard on one of your actual highways
saying "Be Angry,"
followed, of course, by the word "Please."
So please be angry, North Dakota.
Be angry.
Please!
That is up there.
That's our show.
Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week. Good night!
(cheering, applauding)
*